Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I Used To Be Disgusted...

 'Tis the season. 

Not the holiday season but the season of end-of-year school activities. Beginning of summer fun. It's a chance to enjoy all the simple things that make summer great - longer days, sunshine and swimming pools, vacations and backyard barbecues, and seeing friends who we haven't seen in a long time. But cancer has a way of complicating even the simplest things.

Catching up with friends often brings the inevitable earnest inquiry: "How are you?" or "How's your health?"

The subtext of the simple question is: "I know you have cancer and I'm concerned (or maybe just curious) and you don't look sick but I don't want to presume and I I don't know how exactly to ask about it and since saying something like 'How's the lymphoma doing? Not acting up again is it?' seems inappropriate, I'll just ask: How are you? With emphasis." 

That's a lot of subtext. 

It's taken me a while to figure out how to deal with the question. It used to bother me quite a bit at first. There was one  friend who, if I hadn't seen him in more than a week, would ask that question, with particular emphasis. And to be honest, it would piss me off, like the very asking was an affirmation of the cancer that I was trying to ignore.  

Part of it, too, was that I didn't know how to answer. Sometimes I'd awkwardly say, "I'm good, how are you?" And sometimes I'd just blather on about when my next oncology appointment or next CT scan was: "Yep, I'm good. No scans for another year!"  But usually, I'd just say, "I'm good. I'm fine." And then try to change the subject as quickly as possible. 

I've been able to pivot, at least in my head, my reaction to the question.

Somewhere over the last four years, I cleverly realized that my lymphoma is going to be here whether someone asks about it or not. So I can understand now that, in most cases, asking about my health is nothing more than a concerned inquiry from a well-meaning friend. Being the friend of a cancer patient/survivor is no picnic, and people deal with it in different ways. Some avoid the topic. Some avoid the person. Others want to express concern and don't know how to do it. And others bravely venture forth. 

So next time someone who I haven't seen for a while asks, I'll simply look the person in the eye and say, "I'm doing great, thanks. And thanks very much for asking." 

--michael

p.s. -The title of the post comes from a great, old Elvis Costello song, or at least this phrase: I used to be disgusted. But now I try to be amused."  The song itself has nothing to do with the topic, but the phrase stuck in my head one run. Here's the song: