The Need To Contribute

Cancer can be such a debilitating disease - both physically and emotionally. While a lot of the emotional pain comes from the anxiety of not knowing, and the fear of what will happen, what I've struggled most with these past few weeks is my inability to add anything to any part of my life - my family life, my work life -- anything. It's hard not to feel like a burden. 

I think we all, at some level, have a need to contribute to society. And among the things that define my society most are my family and my work. They are places I belong to and to which I hope I add value.  Both the sense of belonging and sense of value seem central to good mental health. And both have been noticeably missing from my life for the last few weeks.

At home we were preparing for Noah's first college departure and Matthew's return to college. And I've added nothing to that (even less than I usually do, because let's be honest, that's in Stacy's wheelhouse anyway). But even more, I've detracted from it. 

Meanwhile at work, my role has evolved over the last 15 years where I'm very involved in a lot of what goes on. And as we enter a real interesting and pivotal time in our department's evolution, I've felt like I was sitting on the sideline. It felt hard to keep up, let alone add anything, and it felt equally hard to feel like I belonged to the conversation. 

I have to stop now to insert that none of these feelings were anything perpetuated by anyone other than me. My family (see last post) has taken care of me night and day, and my team at work has been incredible - the care and support, and the "we've got this, you just rest and get better" attitude has been a tremendous lift. But being able to contribute helps my ego (in a good way, I think) and the last two days of being able to contribute to meetings, work product, conversations has been a huge bonus for me.  

We'll keep riding the good wave as long as we can -- some of the fatigue and nausea are starting to creep in already.  So I'll need to rest up when my body needs it, knowing that the rest period will just be a pause until I can contribute again.