I have the need but not the will to write.
That, I suppose, is a long way of saying that it's hard to find the right time and place to write. That's come to me here on vacation on Lake Winnepesauke. It's been a good vacation so far -- the boys have swam a lot; we've played games; gone kayaking; took a little hike. They've learned to fish and I've managed to get four runs in in five days.
But I'm having a hard time with symptom suspicion. When we're younger, having something wrong with your body is an anomaly. But for the last 5-10 years, it's hard to think of a day when there wasn't SOME ache or pain -- a muscle that's tighter than usual; a new bruise; a strain; an upset stomach; a headache, something. A day without some little ache or pain is the anomaly now. And I get that. But now I can't stop wondering if that ache or pain is related to the lymphoma and does it mean I am getting sicker. Does the giant bruise on my leg mean anything? No. Or is really just a big bruise from a softball bat that hit my leg? Yes.
Does the occasional pain in my lower abdomen mean anything? Or is it just soreness from a lot of kayak paddling? Probably.
Does the pain in the back of my wrist mean anything? No. Or is it just a strain from some sport that doesn't heal as quickly in a 48-year-0ld body? Yes.
I keep reminding myself that some of the main symptoms is fatigue, weight loss, fever and night sweats. And I'm running 3-4 miles at 8:20- 8:30 minute miles and staying active, without any concerns. In other words, 48-year-old aches and pains aside, I feel good.
I'm about seven weeks out from initial diagnosis and six weeks until I see Dr. LaCasce again. If I can have one 3-month checkup where the disease has not really progressed, it'll certainly help. But I know that this constant symptom suspicion is a battle I'll face forever.