Thursday, August 18, 2011


The whole idea of this blog is to take the contagious thoughts that fill my head and get them out of my head. This is supposed to be mentally therapeutic.  It is also challenging.

When I'm in the mood to write, it's usually because I'm in a good place (mentally) and so I don't feel the need to write. I have the will but not the need. Other times, usually at night, when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, I have all these ideas spreading like a virus through my thought processes but I'm trying to sleep.

I have the need but not the will to write.

That, I suppose, is a long way of saying that it's hard to find the right time and place to write. That's come to me here on vacation on Lake Winnepesauke. It's been a good vacation so far -- the boys have swam a lot; we've played games; gone kayaking;  took a little hike. They've learned to fish and I've managed to get four runs in in five days.

But I'm having a hard time with symptom suspicion. When we're younger, having something wrong with your body is an anomaly. But for the last 5-10 years, it's hard to think of a day when there wasn't SOME ache or pain -- a muscle that's tighter than usual; a new bruise; a strain; an upset stomach; a headache, something.  A day without some little ache or pain is the anomaly now. And I get that. But now I can't stop wondering if that ache or pain is related to the lymphoma and does it mean I am getting sicker.  Does the giant bruise on my leg mean anything? No. Or is really just a big bruise from a softball bat that hit my leg? Yes.

 Does the occasional pain in my lower abdomen mean anything? Or is it just soreness from a lot of kayak paddling? Probably.

Does the pain in the back of my wrist mean anything? No. Or is it just a strain from some sport that doesn't heal as quickly in a 48-year-0ld body? Yes.

I keep reminding myself that some of the main symptoms is fatigue, weight loss, fever and night sweats. And I'm running 3-4 miles at 8:20- 8:30 minute miles and staying active, without any concerns. In other words, 48-year-old aches and pains aside, I feel good.

I'm about seven weeks out from initial diagnosis and six weeks until I see Dr. LaCasce again. If I can have one 3-month checkup where the disease has not really progressed, it'll certainly help. But I know that this constant symptom suspicion is a battle I'll face forever.